Dear Mama,

I never liked to talk about this much, because it’s personal and sad. I hope that by sharing, it helps someone in pain. I lost 9 babies through IVF. Some call them embryos. I call them babies. So, I mourned 9 babies (some boys and some girls) that we couldn’t implant on transfer day. My pain isn’t anymore than someone else’s. I just hurt. I hope as more years go by, that the pain will go away. I’ve dreamed of what being a Momma would be like. Yes, I’m a bonus Mom, and I’m very grateful for that role. Just a reminder, that it takes thick skin as I spend every Mother’s Day alone, because our girls are with their Mom. I’m not bitter. I don’t need a pat on the back. I understand. I do, because that’s what I’m the best at. When our girls had 4 tickets for a recital, they talked about giving one to their Mom, Grandma, Dad & sister. I, being the understanding bonus Mom, told my daughter not to stress it…Invite your Mom, Dad, Grandma, and sister – they are your blood. It’s ok. They should be there (in my best excited, supportive, understanding voice). I meant that. I didn’t want her to stress about not having enough tickets to give one to me.  So, I sit here tonight crying and wondering if this will be our year, and I still want to have a baby.

I long for a child. When I was just a child, people would ask what I wanted to be when I grew up, and I wanted to be a Momma. I’ve always had a way with children, a bond, a way to relate, a love for babies. I’m not ready to give up hope. At 42, Maybe it’s time to throw the towel in. Maybe it’s not. At the end of the day, I want to have a baby. I want to give birth to my baby. The girls call their Momma, Mommy. They call me, Kristin. For anyone who says it’s the same, you haven’t walked in my shoes. It’s not the girls fault either. it’s no ones fault. They are precious, innocent children, who happen to have a bonus Parent, me. I’d love to have my own child and to be called Mom, Momma, Mama, Mother, or Mommy.  Me wanting a child doesn’t make me love them any less. Not at all. There is so much more than being called Mom, not enough time to type out the pros of creating life. Sean and I want to expand our family. So, to all the Mama’s who’ve lost, who feel sad, I see you. I’m praying for you. Don’t lose hope. #ivf #infertility #internationalbereavementmothersday

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